I don't even know who this person is but somehow, what he said deeply bothers me.
I thought I liked him. But then again, maybe I was just bored and I was looking for something new and exciting. And I liked that he "liked" me.
I decided to stop all of this before it goes any further, to quit while I was ahead. I'm surprised I even let it get this far. Now that it's all over, I'm left to wonder if I made the right choice. I enjoyed our conversations, we had similar taste in music and like he said, we have "undeniably great chemistry". So why didn't I just go for it? I don't really know either. I guess it's a combination of things. Some serious, and some really shallow reasons.
1. I've never been in a relationship and to be honest, the thought of being in one scares me. When you're in a relationship, you lower you guard, expose yourself and become vulnerable. Being in a relationship is like saying, just like what Meredith said on Grey's Anatomy, "Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy". I don't like the feeling that at any moment, the other person can choose to break your heart and hurt you. I don't want to give anyone that kind of power over me.
2. It's hard enough to tell if a guy is being sincere when you talk in person and it makes it so much harder when you met the guy on the internet and he is under the guise of anonymity. He could be someone I already know who is playing a joke (a very cruel one at that) on me. He could also be someone who just enjoys the thrill of the chase and is looking for a challenge. If this is the case and I fell for it, it will be a tremendous blow to my ego. My pride will not be able to forgive me for it.
3. I know this will make me sound shallow as hell, but I'm afraid that he might not be good looking. It sounds bad but I would be a hypocrite if I say that looks don't matter at all to me.
I know a lot of people will probably say that I shouldn't take this seriously but they don't know what I know, they didn't feel what I felt and they weren't there for all of our conversations. I know this is the internet but it felt real. So real, that it scared the shit out of me.
Did I really just throw away something that could have been amazing? I guess now I'll probably never know. This is gonna go down as one of my biggest "what ifs" to date.
I know this is gonna sound stupid and I hate myself for admitting it, but I kind of miss him. I miss being excited to come home from work so that I could go online and talk to him. I miss being called "love" or "babe" even if it annoys me to no end. I miss how he would ask how my day was when my family and friends don't even bother to. Our little YM conversations have been the highlight of my every day and it was the only thing distracting me from the fact that my life is totally devoid of any meaning right now.
I'm disappointed at how he gave up so easily. I guess he didn't "like" me that much after all. I'm actually kind of sad. Is this how a break up feels like? It kind of really sucks.