Daydream Madness

"we have a chance at something special and you just threw it away, well i hope you don't regret this decision. I'm done, bye tricia by jumanji42"

I don't even know who this person is but somehow, what he said deeply bothers me.

I thought I liked him. But then again, maybe I was just bored and I was looking for something new and exciting. And I liked that he "liked" me.

I decided to stop all of this before it goes any further, to quit while I was ahead. I'm surprised I even let it get this far. Now that it's all over, I'm left to wonder if I made the right choice. I enjoyed our conversations, we had similar taste in music and like he said, we have "undeniably great chemistry". So why didn't I just go for it? I don't really know either. I guess it's a combination of things. Some serious, and some really shallow reasons.

1. I've never been in a relationship and to be honest, the thought of being in one scares me. When you're in a relationship, you lower you guard, expose yourself and become vulnerable. Being in a relationship is like saying, just like what Meredith said on Grey's Anatomy, "Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy". I don't like the feeling that at any moment, the other person can choose to break your heart and hurt you. I don't want to give anyone that kind of power over me.

2. It's hard enough to tell if a guy is being sincere when you talk in person and it makes it so much harder when you met the guy on the internet and he is under the guise of anonymity. He could be someone I already know who is playing a joke (a very cruel one at that) on me. He could also be someone who just enjoys the thrill of the chase and is looking for a challenge. If this is the case and I fell for it, it will be a tremendous blow to my ego. My pride will not be able to forgive me for it.

3. I know this will make me sound shallow as hell, but I'm afraid that he might not be good looking. It sounds bad but I would be a hypocrite if I say that looks don't matter at all to me.

I know a lot of people will probably say that I shouldn't take this seriously but they don't know what I know, they didn't feel what I felt and they weren't there for all of our conversations. I know this is the internet but it felt real. So real, that it scared the shit out of me.

Did I really just throw away something that could have been amazing? I guess now I'll probably never know. This is gonna go down as one of my biggest "what ifs" to date.

I know this is gonna sound stupid and I hate myself for admitting it, but I kind of miss him. I miss being excited to come home from work so that I could go online and talk to him. I miss being called "love" or "babe" even if it annoys me to no end. I miss how he would ask how my day was when my family and friends don't even bother to. Our little YM conversations have been the highlight of my every day and it was the only thing distracting me from the fact that my life is totally devoid of any meaning right now.

I'm disappointed at how he gave up so easily. I guess he didn't "like" me that much after all. I'm actually kind of sad. Is this how a break up feels like? It kind of really sucks.

The truth is, I'm scared to death of losing you guys. I'm afraid that once you're all in med school, you'll make new friends, have new adventures, and I won't have a place in your lives anymore. You'll move on to bigger and better things and I'll still be stuck right here.

Someone asked me this on Formspring. I gave it a lot of thought and this was the answer I came up with. Posting here for future reference. :)

What traits do you look for in a guy? :)

Enumerate ko na lang ha.
1.Syempre kelangan maayos itsura. Di naman kelangan super gwapo basta lang hindi MASAKLAP ang istura.

2.He should have his own beliefs and opinions and won't be easily swayed. Ayoko ng nagpapadala lang sa iba.

3. He must be family oriented and has a close relationship with his family. Kelangan din na tanggap nya na family ko ang first priority ko at tied lang sya sa second place with my friends.

4. He must have good taste in music and movies. We can't be together if he doesn't like Muse or The Smiths.

5. He must like reading books. The Catcher In The Rye is a non negotiable requirement.

6. He must like animals.

7. He must be very patient. I'm extremely annoying, unbelievably weird and unintentionally insensitive sometimes. He must be able to put up with that. Also, he must have a high pain tolerance. I like hitting people on the arm or slapping them on the face. Especially when I'm drunk.

8. He must not be clingy and overly possessive. I'm the type of person who needs plenty of space. I want the kind of guy who doesn't complain when I stay out late drinking with my friends. I also don't want him to be calling me or texting me every hour of the day.

9. He must have his own set of friends and his own interests separate from mine. We don't have to be together every freakin minute. I want to be a part of his life but I don't want his life to revolve around me.

10. He must like me for me. He must be able to accept my flaws and not try to make me into someone I'm not.

11. Finally, I want someone who can take responsibility for himself and his actions. He must have goals for himself and he knows what he wants in life.

Ang haba noh? Yan ang dahilan kung bakit ako walang boyfriend.

I don't know how to live my life. I may as well be dead.

I don't even want to wake up tomorrow anymore.

I often fantasize about leaving home, everything I have and everyone I know, and starting a new life far far away.

Pakiramdam ko lahat ng kaibigan ko naka move on na sa buhay nila at naiwan na ako mag isa.

Tonight all the world is ours
Just me, you, this rooftop and the stars
Let's make a wish and close our eyes
We'll be out of here before sunrise

Tonight let's leave this town behind
Not sure where we're goin but I don't really mind
One full tank and all our dreams
I'ts not as far as it may seem

Let's go away to a far off destination
Far from their demands and expectation
Let's make our lives all our own
And leave behind the world we've known

So hit the gas, don't look back now
We'll find our way out there somehow
Through busy streets, through city lights
Through sometimes cold and lonely nights

We'll make mistakes, we'll crash and burn
Coz that's the only way for us to learn
We'll live, we'll love, we'll rise and fall
Atleast we can say we tried at all

Let's drive away and leave this place
I'm done with counting down the days
Let's drive away and we just might see
There's something out there for you and me.

For the longest time I have been under the impression that the whole "quarter-life crisis" thing was just an excuse made up by twenty somethings to justify our discontent with our jobs, failing relationships and the general directionless-ness of our lives. It turns out that it is actually a recognized period or stage of a person's life. I've found quite a few texts on the subject but the one one wikipedia pretty much sums it up.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisis

Characteristics of quarter-life crisis may include:

* realizing that the pursuits of one's peers are useless
* confronting their own mortality
* watching time slowly take its toll on their parents, only to realize they are next
* insecurity regarding the fact that their actions are meaningless
* insecurity concerning ability to love themselves, let alone another person
* insecurity regarding present accomplishments
* re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
* lack of friendships or romantic relationships, sexual frustration, and involuntary celibacy
* disappointment with one's job
* nostalgia for university, college, high school or elementary school life
* tendency to hold stronger opinions
* boredom with social interactions
* loss of closeness to high school and college friends
* financially-rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unanticipatedly high cost of living, etc.)
* loneliness, depression and suicide
* desire to have children
* a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you
* frustration with social skills

I'll be unemployed again starting next week and I'm kind of looking forward to it. I need some alone time. Fucking quarter life crisis hit me hard. I feel like I'm in a really strange place in my life right now. Like I'm neither here nor there, I'm either coming or going. I don't know.

Life is not turning out as I had expected. Back in college I though that by the time I graduated, I would have already sorted things out. Maybe even have some goals lined up. It's been almost a year since graduation and I haven't gotten anywhere. I keep telling myself that things will fall into place eventually.

I feel like I've made some huge mistakes these past years. Huge, life altering mistakes. This isn't really where I thought I'd be after college. And it seems like everyone but me is doing just fine which makes this whole thing suck even more. Gah.

</rant>

Bakit ba ang hirap maging masaya?